I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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