smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
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