the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
