the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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