One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
