I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
