2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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