I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
