I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
