so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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