It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
please come you make the beer taste better
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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