Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Two words: blizzard sex
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
