someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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