Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
