sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
