so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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