The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
