there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
