I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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