She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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