I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
