mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
