Sorry, I don't speak sober.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
