I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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