We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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