the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
