Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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