my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
