Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
