Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
