the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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