some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
