I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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