Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
