seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
