listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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