note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
