My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Life without a bra equals bliss.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
