and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
