I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
