cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
