I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
