my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
