Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
