I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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