YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
