You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
