We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
