The maid of honor just puked.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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