mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sorry about my life...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
