Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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